OrangeVerse XLVIII: It's Always Festivus

The impeached president did made what the White House referred to as Remarks by president Trump to the Nation last week.

It was, as you might expect, self-congratulatory, wildly accusatory, unconciliatory, filled with callouts for friends and foe alike, and, as we've become accustomed, weirdly poetic.

And it was an airing of grievances, because it's always Festivus with this president.

Elevate the Grievances (I)

We had the witch hunt.

It started from the day we

came down the elevator, myself

and our future First Lady, who's 

with us right now. 

And it never really stopped. 

We've been going through this

now for over three years. 

It was evil.

It was corrupt

It was dirty cops.

It was leakers and liars. 

I don't know that other Presidents 

would have been able to take it.

Some people said no they wouldn't have.

Thank You for Being a Friend (i)

I want to start by thanking some of - 

and I call them friends

because, you know, 

you develop friendships
 and relationships

when you're in battle
and war, 

much more so than 

"Gee, let's have a normal situation."

Everyone Knows This is Nothing

I want to start by introducing
some of the people that are here. 

I know some are going to be left out.

But they work so hard.

And this is really not
 a news conference.

It's not a speech.

It's not anything.

It's just, we're sort of.

It's a celebration because

we have something that 
just worked out.

I mean, it worked out. 

We went through hell unfairly. 

Did nothing wrong.

Did nothing wrong.

I've done things wrong

in my life, I will admit.

Nor purposely but

I've done things wrong.

But this is what

the end result is. 

Ain't No Thang...

But some of the people here

have been incredible warriors.

They're warriors.

And there's nothing

from a legal standpoint -

this is a political thing. 

And every time, I'd say

"This is unfair. Let's go to court."

They'd say, "Sir you can't 
go to court. This is politics."

And we were treated

unbelievably unfairly.

Russia Russia Russia

And you have to understand

we first went through Russia, Russia, Russia 
it was all bullshit.

We then went through the Mueller report. 

And they should have come back 
one day later. They didn't. 
They came back two years later

after lives were ruined

after people went bankrupt

after people lost all their money.

People came to Washington to help

other people. "Bright-eyed and bushy-tailed"

I say. They came - one or two or three people in

particular, but many people. 

Nasty, Nasty Boy

We had a rough campaign.

it was nasty.

It was one of the nastiest, they say.

They say Andrew Jackson was always

the nastiest campaign. 
They actually said we topped it. 

It was nasty - it was nasty -
 both in the primaries

and in the - in the election.

But you see we thought after the election

it would stop. 
But it didn't stop.

It just started. And 

tremendous corruption

Tremendous corruption.

So we had a campaign.

...It's a very tough thing. And

then we ended up winning on

Russia Russia Russia. 

Thank You for Being A Friend (II)

Then Bob Mueller testified.

That didn't work out so well for the

other side. But they should have said,

that first week - because it came out.
Is that right Jim Jordan?

They know in the first two days actually.

Devin, is that right? 
They knew that we 
were totally innocent

But they kept it going, Mark, 

They kept it going because

they wanted to inflict political pain

on somebody that had just won 
an election that, to - a lot 
of people were surprised.

Winning

I mean, we had polls that said

we were going to win.

And we did win.

It was one of the greatest

wins of all time.

And they said,

"OK, he won."

15 Minutes Can Save You 15% or More

And you know, I wrote this down

because that was where a thing called

the "insurance policy" - to me, 

when I saw the "insurance policy" -

and that was done long before the election.

That was done when they thought

that Hillary Clinton was going to win. And

by the way, Hillary Clinton and the DNC

paid for millions - millions of dollars -

the fake dossier. And now Christopher Steele

admits that it's a fake because 
he got sued by rich people. 

I should have sued him too.

But when you're president

people don't like suing. 

Thank You for Being A Friend (III)

I want to thank my legal team

by the way - not for that advice

- but for other advice. 

Pat, Jay. Pat.

You guys stand up please.

Right at the beginning, they said,

"Sir, you have nothing to worry about.

All the facts

are on your side."

I said "You don't understand.

That doesn't matter.

That doesn't matter."

And that was really true.

We're not even halfway through his remarks, even though I made a few cuts for length - some random applause lines and newspaper waving, and whatnot -  we'll see if we can finish this in two parts.

I'll also remind you that, according to research, any time the president says someone called him"sir" he's about to tell a lie.