Free-flowing White House Verse

Sure, there's lots of construction noise, and construction lawsuit noise, and some destruction of construction that was underway but didn't meet the Builder-in-Chief's vision, but even with all of that,  there was still plenty of arguing and yelling and ketchup-squishing noise that made it out into the public realm. 

I won't reveal my sources for this; let's just say they're very well-placed, like a good microphone or something. I might write a book, but first I'd probably need to officially be a reporter for the Fake News, to bump up my viewership.

The (alleged) words of the FOTUS are easily identifiable. Others (allegedly) involved? Secretaries Marco Rubio, Pete Hegseth, and Scott Bessent; Deputy Defense Secretary Steve Feinberg; and yours truly. Let the free verse fly, like the American Flag over Greenland!

Talk Like Nobody's Listening (or yell, if you want)

We need more munitions! The Biden and Obama administrations depleted our reserves!

We need more munitions! The Biden administration gave all our weapons to Ukraine! I will end the war in Ukraine on Day One! I will win the Nobel Prize – maybe two, and Obama only has one!

We're fighting Iran because Israel said they were going in, and if we didn’t go with them, we’d look weak, and the world would be a more dangerous place!

We’re fighting Iran because it is TWO WEEKS AWAY from having ‘the nuclear’ and we can’t let that happen! We are winning the war! We have won the war! We will win the war!  We are winning the war! We are playing 5-D chess; they are playing ‘Fast and Furious’ with the ENTIRE MIDDLE EAST, and we won’t let that happen! The Bored of Peace will act swiftly, on my order to Jared, to end all the hostilities and develop plans for MULTIPLE Gold Coast Rivieras on the Persian Gulf, the Gulf of Oman, the Gulf of America, and the Gulf Station in Winthrop, MA – they are ALL ripe for development!

We need more money from Congress because we are almost out of munitions!

We’re out of munitions because I’ve been ending wars around the globe, including in Gaza, Venezuela, Ukraine, Russia, Lebanon, the FIFA Soccer War, the Mulch War - that was BRUTAL but my Skid Steer of Peace has fixed that – we BURIED the opponent and Four Seasons Total Landscaping was declared the victor, by a pile! – and PakIndiaStan, where my tariffs stopped that war cold! NOBEL! NOBEL! NOBEL!

Holy crap, we have fewer munitions in the stockpile than we have barrels of oil in the strategic reserve – the Biden and Obama administrations were completely irresponsible!

Munitions are flowing in from all over the place to the US, where we do NOT have a munitions shortage!

Hi, Congress? It’s me, Pete - the Secretary of War, Tattoos, and Testosterone... we need way more manly dollars to make way more manly munitions. I'm in trouble here; can you help a guy out?

WE ARE NOT ALMOST OUT OF MUNITIONS – WE HAVE MANY MORE MUNITIONS THAN ANYONE ELSE, MORE MUNITIONS THAN ANY COUNTRY IN HISTORY! ANYONE SAYING WE ARE OUT OF MUNITIONS IS A COMMUNIST TRAITOR WHO DESERVES THE ULTIMATE PENALTY! KASH PATEL IS OFFERING A $50,000 REWARD FOR INFORMATION ON THE WHEREABOUTS OF THESE EVIL AMERICA-HATING DUMOCRATS!

We have directed munitions companies to tell us, within 21 days, how the hell they’re going to start delivering way more munitions way more faster than they ever dreamed they could, and how the hell they’re going to expand manufacturing facilities here in the US and hire American workers to make them, and oh, by the way, you can undocumented workers who will work for way less and save us money so we can afford to pay you for the munitions; we’ll tax the crap out of them, not fine you for hiring them, and deport them after we have the munitions we need to solve the shortage we don't have.

WE DO NOT HAVE A MUNITIONS SHORTAGE! THE REFLECTION POND WAS VANDALIZED! JEANNINE PIRRO FOLDED LIKE A COCKTAIL UMBRELLA! I HAVE ORDERED KASH PATEL TO OFFER A $50,000 REWARD FOR INFORMATION PROVING JEANNINE PIRRO IS A LYING, TRAITOROUS DUMOCRAT!!

We expect the Strait of Hormuz to be fully open by Tuesday or Wednesday of last week, maybe by Friday. I’ll have a market-roiling update for you on the status by yesterday, in time for tomorrow’s market opening. And just like K-cars, the K-shaped economy is over – that should help manipulate things nicely, don’t you think?

FAKE NEWS!!! HER EMAILS!!! RUSSIA RUSSIA RUSSIA!!! IT’S ALL FAKE NEWS! COMEY AND MARK KELLY ARE TRAITORS!!! SLEEPY JOE IS A TRAITOR!!! I WANT MY BALLROOM AND I WANT IT NOW!!!

OrangeVerse (LXVII): WHCA Part 2

Are you ready for more poetry? Let's pick up with another section of the FOTUS at the White House Correspondents' Association dinner.

It's about the One Big Beautiful Ballroom Activities, or OBBBA, which we know is one of the most very favorite FOTUS topics, right up there with the Arc de Trump, and painting the Reflection Pool/Pond/Lake 'American Flag Blue' and using 23.75 carat gold on the four bronze statues, and painting the granite of Executive Office Building one of several different white options, because everyone paints granite right?

The news isn't getting any better, but at least the poetry isn't getting any worse... I mean, the bar is on the ground already. 

The Great Room of China

I just visited China

They have this magnificent room,

The Great Room.

They call it The Great Room.

It's a great room

but what we have is gonna blow,

there won't be anything like it,

It's gonna be fantastic.

And with all of the things that are

going along with it

for safety and security

of future presidents.

You know, I'm only gonna be

using it for about six months,

assuming we finish it right on time.

Upstairs, Downstairs

I get to use it. Somebody said,

"He's building it for himself."

I'm building it for the future.

I'm not build, like, I'll use it.

Now, had it not gone down six or seven stories,

then, in that case, I would have been able

to get a couple of years out of it.

But that was far more complex,

what we did downstairs

than what we do upstairs so,

uh, we're very proud of it.

That is gonna be amazing.

Talk is Cheap

And I think I was just telling, uh,

the whole group sitting at the table,

we were talking about it.

I said, "I think, you know, it's

White House Correspondents, so I

don't see any reason why you

wouldn't be able to use that.

It's gonna be

very large and

very beautiful and 

very safe and

that's what you need."

Fetterman the Betterman

So I was thrilled

to see that after witnessing

the attack, even Democrat Senator 

John Fetterman

told his fellow Democrats to drop the

Trump Derangement Syndrome

and build the White House ballroom,

but it's much more than that.

Czech, Please

It's something that you're gonna use.

I predict that you're gonna end up using it

and, uh, a lot of people are gonna end up using it.

They're gonna be as safe as you can possibly be.

But despite everything that happened

at the previous dinner

and all of the dangers involved,

I'm told that this is still

the hottest ticket in town, this ticket

to get in tonight, because it's

a smaller room,

it's a beautiful room,

it's a luxury room.

See those beautiful chandeliers?

I can tell you everything

about them if you'd like to know.

[Laughter]

A Beautiful Capital

See that beautiful capital above?

See the beautiful capital?

See the, everything, the brass.

Uh, those chandeliers are great.

I, I'm looking at them saying,

"I wonder if I could --"

You know, I sold this building.

And, uh, they're doing a nice job, 

but they're nice people.

But I'll tell you, I'm looking at them saying,

"I wonder if I could walk out with those chandeliers"

because you can't buy them.

They're very special.

 I won't tell you the fact.

I won't mention that

they're Czech crystal,

because I'd like to say

everything's made here,

but they are Czech crystal.

[Laughter]

I'm Floored

And they are beautiful.

And the Waldorf people are

doing a really nice job.

We're proud of them,

actually, because, you know,

when I left town,

I was angry.

I was a little bit angry.

I was offered a nice price.

I said, "I'm getting out of that place."

And then I said, "Let's make a comeback."

And, uh, but I was very proud of this building.

This building was hot.

Remember the lobby floor?

82,000 feet.

For those in the

real estate business,

82,000 feet.

That's a major,

that's a major floor.

 That thing was packed

 every single night.

It was packed mostly Republicans,

I would say, but it was

 packed every single night.

It almost brings back memories.

What a Feeling!

But, uh, I left town and,

uh, I have just had nothing

but good experiences. And

this might be the best

experience of all, having all of these

incredible people in this room.

It's a great, it's a great feeling,

frankly. It's a great feeling.

But tonight's event, thank you.

Thank you. But tonight's event

is even crazier than the last time.

A Hot Lotta Money

It's so successful that I've

been informed by CBS News's

David Ellison, 

who's gonna do a fantastic job.

He's the owner.

 He's the owner.

 He bought it,

spent a lot of money,

and he's gonna make,

I think, fantastic changes

and keep some of the

great stuff going.

But the next year,

they're going to call it

the Trump White House

Correspondents' (Dinner).

He told me that.

 And I like that very much.

We're gonna change the name of it, okay?

Well, it's gonna be so hot,

just like our country is hot.

We are hot, by the way. But to be honest,

it's just about the only way

that they're gonna ever get me back here.

You're gonna have to change the name of the dinner.

Hey Bobby? What's For Dinner?

But how's that one going?

Not too good. I hope

that everyone finally got to enjoy

their entire very delicious

beef tenderloins, very special beef.

And I want you all to know

that Bobby Kennedy,

who's right here, personally

ran over the cow in his car.

[Laughter]

Boom. 

And he cut it up and

he brought it here for you to eat

tonight, so it's very fresh.

And Bobby also suggested

an appetizer featuring

his favorite cut of

male raccoon

roadkill.

[Laughter]

But we drew the line at that,

Cheryl. We said, "No, we're

not gonna do that." We're not doing that.

We love Bobby. I'll tell you.

He's a piece of work.

 You think it's, it is fun,

but he is a very different

kind of a person,

I will tell you.

[Laughter]

What a Feeling

But he has what it takes

 and he's smart.

And he loves 

the country.

And he 

wants people

to be made 

to feel good.

Do you agree

with that, Bobby?

 He wants people

to feel good.

And, uh, he's

doing a fantastic job.

Thank you, Bobby.

Thank you.

We can joke

all we want,

but thank you.

OrangeVerse (LXVI): WHCA Part 1

For about an hour on Saturday night, the FOTUS rambled on and on at the White House Correspondents' Association dinner, rescheduled from April when a man tried to get into the ballroom and assassinate the president and other members of his administration. 

Other presidents who have attended usually speak for 15, 20, or maybe even 30 minutes, nothing like what GOP strategist Alyssa Farah Griffin described as "what felt like 90 minutes we'll never get back of our lives." 

There's so much to unpack, as the punditry likes to say, that I'm breaking it down into bite-sized pieces of poetry. Well, OK, Big Mac-sized bites... giant Diet Coke-sized slurps of verse, if you will. Are you ready?

Karoline

our favorite White House

Press Secretary...who just had her

second child, you and your husband.

She's great. She's done a fantastic job.

We all love her. She's done a fantastic job.

She is another one.

She can be nasty

But sometimes she has no choice, right?

Karoline

may have one of 

the hardest jobs...she

has to deal with all of you 

all of the time,

and you could be very difficult.

You can be very, very difficult people

but I'm probably being a little bit oversensitive.

Sometimes I really do think

That some of you don't like me

I read a report

I get 93% negative publicity,

93, I said, how the hell

did I win the election

by so much?

Think of it, I

don't think that's true.

I can't believe it's 93.

In the 80s maybe, but

not 93.

But this place

is the, really,

the largest group

of Trump Derangement Syndrome

people. Ever put together

at one time, I suspect. Some

of you are lucky

that our last dinner was cut short

because I brought with me

what would possibly

have been,

I'm telling you,

I had, uh...

 I had something

I was gonna go after you.

I was gonna. I feel

so badly doing this.

It's gotta be

such a letdown

Oh yay, yay.

But your lives were really in danger

the last time but for

an opposite reason.

But on the plus side, your

careers were saved and

we have a, uh, we really do.

We have a complete and total,

you know, I love the words

Complete and total

they say, but it means almost

the same thing,

I said, it doesn't matter

when you say it.

It's called emphasis.

It's called emphasis.

But everyone is now

really warming up

the new White House

military center,

drone port,

highly protected

ballroom.

It's, we have

our ballroom.

The windows are this thick.

I said to the people

well, if a bullet hits, what happens?

Nothing. Nothing.

It bounces right off, sir.

This is the greatest bulletproof glass.

I said AK-47,

that's supposed to be a big one.

I don't know so much

about the guns.

My sons know a lot.

But I said

Ah, I know it's big.

What would happen?

They go up, meaning

it could take more.

I said so, if I'm making

a speech and I hear that

pinging sound at a window

what would I do?

Sir, uh, leave the room

right away but

you're gonna be safe.

We're building something that's

gonna be amazing.

And in light of 

what we went through

I think, uh, people

understand it.

 It's 

gonna 

be 

amazing.

I wonder... what could be more amazing than Part 1? Stick around - you'll have a chance to pick your favorite part when it's done. 

Random Thoughts 4/27/26: More Ballroom!

I was up too today.  We have the loudest cat in the history of domesticated felines, and she doesn't take my "stop yelling!!" instructions seriously, at all, at any time of day, particularly during the wee hours of the morning. 

After getting up and trying to appease her with her favorite cat food (which she didn't want to eat today) and getting myself some coffee, I scrolled through the latest news about the White House Correspondents Association (WHCA) dinner, which I'm sure by now everyone knows was interrupted and ultimately canceled because a lone gunman who had issues with the FOTUS and/or members of his administration decided Saturday night needed some violence to shake things up. 

While there have been lots of stories about the bad guy's 'manifesto' and about the security and how close he didn't actually get to anyone in the room, and some 'tales from the crypt' from reporters who were there, I spent my time trying to wrangle my random thoughts on statements from the FOTUS and the CoolAide Cabinet (that's the MAGA influencer horde) about how the incident at the WHCA event was a reason why we need the One Big Beautiful Ballroom the FOTUS is dead set on having, whether anyone likes it or not, into something at least somewhat coherent. So, without further ado,

Just THINK of the many benefits that would flow to ALL Americans if we were able to host conventions at the new White House Ballroom and Casino!! Oh, crap - sorry, that last part is top secret. Pretend we're in a Satirical Comedic Information Facility (SCIF).

We NEED a giant ballroom at the White House - what a wonderful way to get Americans into 'our house! I mean, most of us will never get to make a separate trip to take the tour because of our social media history, or our voter registration info (Wrong Party? No Tour for You!), or (especially for the married ladies) the mismatch between our birth certificates and our LinkedIn 'Yes, that's really my resume, not one I pulled off ChatGPT' profiles. 

Now that I think about it, the way things are going, I soon won't know a single person who could pass a security check - and damn proud of it, frankly. But I digress; that's the nature of random thoughts.

Back to the task at hand: think of the activities that could be held there, if only they made the darn thing big enough! A YUGE ballroom is what we need. I mean, if the billionaires who are donating to pay for access to the administration - er, sorry, I meant to proudly pay for the facility - want more ballroom (don't they all?), they just need to spring for a bigger ballroom!! Not this four- or five-story-tall, 90,000-square-foot thing that's proposed, but one that has five, six, or even 1000% more floorspace! Just think of it!

A bowling convention, with temporary lanes, hundreds of teams, and weeks - yes, weeks! - of activity, bringing REAL Americans to the People's House! Or, the NCAA's March Madness Final Four, with boatloads of gamblers who could spend their downtime in the casino wing - darn it, pretend I didn't say that. If I'm not careful, I'm gonna end up in trouble!

CPAC! TPA! NRA! The Union of Out-of-Favor Dictators! Huge Crypto-TikTok-National Security Conferences! The Association of Former White House, Pentagon, and Local News Correspondents! The Billionaire Boys Club - their membership is growing by cheats and bounds, almost daily! Plus, they could probably help out with bunker design! Big Pharma - those conventions are massive, and I've heard they give out lots of free samples! Research Scientists - they don't have anything else to do anymore... why not let them convene at the glorious facility to commiserate, instead of having to do that via Zoom from their basement labs? Gatherings of white South African farmers, or Scandinavian Trump Card holders! The possibilities are endless!

Farm equipment displays all over the White House lawn, and inside the ballroom, especially those from Case and New Holland; after all, they make stuff in red and blue, true American colors! Sorry, John Deere, that green and yellow just don't cut it anymore - Bad Boy Mowers can handle it from here, as long as nobody brings any of those electric and battery models - just the good old 'drill baby drill' kind (insert that famous John Dean scream here). Heck, we could even have a real Tesler car sales floor, not just a couple of cars! And how could I forget military equipment? We have the best of the best, once we replenish our supplies - and we could even have the Trump family drones on display! My patriotic heart is practically beating out of my chest! 

Boxing matches! UFC cage fights! Cornhole Championships! Heck, we could even bring back Jarts, in celebration of our country's glory days when kids were kids and ERs were plentiful! And what a wonderful place to hold the new annual Congressional Paintball Tournament? Much safer than that outdoor baseball tournament, right? 

And medal presentations, in a room full of gold!! The FIFA Peace Prize! The Trump Epstein Prize! The Melania Einstein Prize! And what better place to host ceremonies for Olympic Gold Medals Won by Men! Maybe even the Noble Prize folks would want to come here for their annual festivities! And, oh, for heaven's sake, I almost forgot Pardon Parties! Woo hoo!

And just think of how cool the State of the Gold-Plated Union speeches would be! Lots of political speakers; patriotic music (yes, Kid Rock and Lee Greenwood, I'm talking about you!); miniature statues and representations of some of our wonderful national parks and monuments; merch tables - can you even imagine?! Dozens of DoorDash Grannies, legally-present farmworkers, many more relatives of crime victims, and so much more! And don't forget the Democratic and Republican Party conventions! How fun!

Between the room rental, banquet setup, media setup, catering and bar fees, entrance fees, and the money spent in the casino (oops, I said it again...), we could probably fund Social Security for another few years, or shave a few thousand percentage points off the National Debt! Not to mention that we'd need thousands of low-paid AMERICAN workers to staff the facility, and if we just hurry up and build the darn thing, they won't have to pay taxes on their tips, OT, or Social Security - honest!

This is a brilliant idea - we REALLY need that ballroom, dammit! Let's end the lawsuits, end the petty bickering, think way more bigger, and get this thing built! 

THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER.