I was up too today. We have the loudest cat in the history of domesticated felines, and she doesn't take my "stop yelling!!" instructions seriously, at all, at any time of day, particularly during the wee hours of the morning.
After getting up and trying to appease her with her favorite cat food (which she didn't want to eat today) and getting myself some coffee, I scrolled through the latest news about the White House Correspondents Association (WHCA) dinner, which I'm sure by now everyone knows was interrupted and ultimately canceled because a lone gunman who had issues with the FOTUS and/or members of his administration decided Saturday night needed some violence to shake things up.
While there have been lots of stories about the bad guy's 'manifesto' and about the security and how close he didn't actually get to anyone in the room, and some 'tales from the crypt' from reporters who were there, I spent my time trying to wrangle my random thoughts on statements from the FOTUS and the CoolAide Cabinet (that's the MAGA influencer horde) about how the incident at the WHCA event was a reason why we need the One Big Beautiful Ballroom the FOTUS is dead set on having, whether anyone likes it or not, into something at least somewhat coherent. So, without further ado,
Just THINK of the many benefits that would flow to ALL Americans if we were able to host conventions at the new White House Ballroom and Casino!! Oh, crap - sorry, that last part is top secret. Pretend we're in a Satirical Comedic Information Facility (SCIF).
We NEED a giant ballroom at the White House - what a wonderful way to get Americans into 'our house! I mean, most of us will never get to make a separate trip to take the tour because of our social media history, or our voter registration info (Wrong Party? No Tour for You!), or (especially for the married ladies) the mismatch between our birth certificates and our LinkedIn 'Yes, that's really my resume, not one I pulled off ChatGPT' profiles.
Now that I think about it, the way things are going, I soon won't know a single person who could pass a security check - and damn proud of it, frankly. But I digress; that's the nature of random thoughts.
Back to the task at hand: think of the activities that could be held there, if
only they made the darn thing big enough! A YUGE ballroom is what we need. I mean, if the billionaires who are donating to pay for access to the administration - er, sorry, I meant to proudly pay for the facility - want more ballroom (don't they all?), they just need to spring for a bigger ballroom!!
A bowling convention, with temporary lanes, hundreds of teams, and
weeks - yes, weeks! - of activity, bringing REAL Americans to the People's
House! Or, the NCAA's March Madness Final Four, with boatloads of gamblers who could spend their downtime in the casino wing - darn it, pretend I didn't say that. If I'm not careful,
I'm gonna end up in trouble!
CPAC! TPA! NRA! The Union of Out-of-Favor Dictators! Huge
Crypto-TikTok-National Security Conferences! The Association of Former White House, Pentagon, and Local
News Correspondents! The Billionaire Boys Club - their membership is growing by
cheats and bounds, almost daily! Plus, they could probably help out with bunker
design! Big Pharma - those conventions are massive, and I've heard they give
out lots of free samples! Research Scientists - they don't have anything else to do anymore... why not let them convene at the glorious facility to commiserate, instead of having to do that via Zoom from their basement labs? Gatherings of white South African farmers, or Scandinavian Trump Card holders! The possibilities are endless!
Farm equipment displays all over the White House lawn, and inside the ballroom, especially those from Case and New Holland; after all, they make stuff in red and blue, true American colors! Sorry, John Deere, that green and yellow just don't cut it anymore - Bad Boy Mowers can handle it from here, as long as nobody brings any of those electric and
battery models - just the good old 'drill baby drill' kind (insert that famous
John Dean scream here). Heck, we could even have a real Tesler car sales floor, not just a couple of cars! And how could I forget military equipment? We have the best of the best, once we replenish our supplies - and we could even have the Trump family drones on display! My patriotic heart is practically beating out of my chest!
Boxing matches! UFC cage fights! Cornhole Championships! Heck, we could even bring back Jarts, in celebration of our country's glory days when kids were kids and ERs were plentiful! And what a wonderful place to hold the new annual Congressional Paintball Tournament? Much safer than that outdoor baseball tournament, right?
And medal presentations, in a room full of gold!! The FIFA Peace Prize! The Trump Epstein Prize! The Melania Einstein Prize! And what better place to host ceremonies for Olympic Gold Medals Won by Men! Maybe even the Noble Prize folks would want to come here for their annual festivities! And, oh, for heaven's sake, I almost forgot Pardon Parties! Woo hoo!
And just think of how
cool the State of the Gold-Plated Union speeches would be! Lots of political
speakers; patriotic music (yes, Kid Rock and Lee Greenwood, I'm talking about you!); miniature statues and representations of some of our wonderful national parks and monuments; merch tables - can you even imagine?! Dozens of DoorDash Grannies, legally-present farmworkers, many more relatives of crime victims, and so much more! And don't forget the Democratic and Republican Party conventions! How fun!
Between the room rental, banquet setup, media setup, catering and bar fees, entrance fees, and the money spent in the
casino (oops, I said it again...), we could probably fund Social
Security for another few years, or shave a few thousand percentage points off the National Debt! Not to mention that we'd need thousands of low-paid AMERICAN workers to staff the facility, and if we just hurry up and build the darn thing, they won't have to pay taxes on their tips, OT, or Social Security - honest!
This is a brilliant idea - we REALLY need that ballroom, dammit! Let's end the lawsuits, end the petty bickering, think way more bigger, and get this thing built!
THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER.
