Breaking Fake News Update (v17)

 Fake News Broke on August 30, 2025!

What's up with this particular bit of fake news, you ask? 

Well, it's me, fully embracing the Administration's move to 'classicalify' America, which he's been expressing for a while through Executive Orders. 

First, there was one issued on Inauguration Day, requiring recommendations to "advance the policy that Federal public buildings should be visually identifiable as civic buildings and respect regional, traditional, and classical architectural heritage in order to uplift and beautify public spaces and ennoble the United States and our system of self-government."

And, there's the MFABA order (Making Federal Architecture Beautiful Again) issued on August 28th, which requires new federal buildings to be built

in a way that “uplifts and beautifies public spaces” and “commands respect from the general public.”

The same article quotes Justin Shubow, president of the National Civic Art Society, who noted, “Classical public architecture is time-honored, timeless, and the mode most associated with our national values and a form of government is quite simply, the architecture of American democracy.”

Clearly, then, having male visitors to the White House dress as the Founding Fathers did is the best way to illustrate 'the mode most associated with our national values and form of government, right? And the portrayal of the women in classical sculpture is the closest I can think of that approximates the MAGA male's vision of the ideal woman... 

I mean, obviously, Hillary Clinton-style pant suits don't "uplift and beautify" public spaces or "command respect from the general public," do they? And certainly, suitless visitors (I'm talking about you, Vlodomyr Zelenskyy!) and tie-less, stupid-red-hat-wearing officials (I'm talking about you, FOTUS!) don't command respect from us, do they?

Now that I think about it, the creation of the Goldoval Office, the paved lawn in the Rose Garden, the comical Mar-a-lago umbrellas and fast-food-restaurant tables there, and the $200M ballroom aren't doing much to help, either. I hope we still have time to quash that last one, at least, in keeping with the EO. 

As always, when fake news breaks, we'll be here to cover it.

Breaking Fake News Update (v16)

 Fake News Broke on August 28, 2025!

Is there any surprise that we're using the National Guard not only for law enforcement, but also for mundane tasks that would normally be performed by municipal or federal employees? 

• There certainly shouldn't be, given that the National Parks Service, which used to take care of some of these tasks, now has a three or four hands full of employees in DC, compared to a couple of hundred pre-DOGE and pre-One Big Beautiful Bill Act. 
• There certainly shouldn't be, given that DC has seen federal funding slashed by Congress and the administration. 
• There certainly shouldn't be - after all, even FOTUS declared that crime was down 25% in DC this year alone, so no one should be shocked that there isn't a lot for the Guard members from DC and the red states of Ohio, Louisiana, Mississippi, Tennessee, West Virginia, and South Carolina that gleefully ignore high crime in their own states to stand with FOTUS and start Making Restaurants Safe Again for lobbyists, lawyers and politicians. (Are those distinctions without differences?)

I would think, though, that seeing camo-wearing folks with weapons mulching flowers, picking up trash, and loitering in Union Station would be quite the thing in the US capital, wouldn't you agree?

As always, when fake news breaks, we'll be sure to keep you informed. 

Breaking Fake News Update (v15)

 Fake News Broke on August 24, 2025!

It's always fun when the government tries to cater to every potential voting bloc, isn't it? And let me tell you, the aging hippie/young stoner demographic is ripe for the picking.

The White House is actually considering reclassifying pot; it's currently a Schedule 1 drug, allegedly having a high potential for abuse and no currently accepted medical uses; basically, it's the same as heroin and LSD. Reclassifying it makes some sense, given that 40 states are OK with it being used medicinally, and 24 are OK with it being used recreationally. 

Weave that discussion with FOTUS wanting to make DC's grass more beautiful - something the warfighters deployed in the Capital must have been eager to hear - and you've got some really potent fake news. 

We'll keep an eye out for more of this stuff,  news, and promise not to bogart it.

Breaking Fake News Update (v14)

Fake News Broke on August 22, 2025! 

Can you imagine 25,000 spectators at a UFC event at the White House? Can you imagine a weirder way to celebrate our 250th birthday? Those things are real, I can assure you.

And can you think of anyone other than Kristi Noem that would step up so eagerly to help complete the mission? That part is fake, at least so far. We got out in front with the fake news so fast, we may have to wait a little longer for the real news to catch up!

As always, if there's fake news, we'll be all over it.

Breaking Fake News Update (v13)

Fake News Broke on August 21, 2025!

This one flew out of the fake news studio after FOTUS declared that we need to focus on the best of our history and our greatness (see BNFU v8 for background), instead of on bad things. 

Linda McMahon, who's had some experience wrestling with tough situations, jumped up to lead the charge, and was able to incorporate private schools and AOne - two of her favorite things - into the mix.  That, ladies and gentlemen, is how a good Cabinet Secretary does things.

As always, we'll continue sharing fake news as it breaks. 

Breaking Fake News Update (v12)

 Fake News Broke on August 20, 2025!

This fake news broke after a video of President Zelenskyy's reactions to the FOTUS, who babbled on and on about his federal occupation of our nation's capital, went viral.

Only an idiot would sit next to a commander-in-chief whose country is actively engaged in an over three-year battle with an aggressor nation and pretend that there's no place on earth more dangerous than Washington, DC. 

Sadly - and I sure wish this was fake news - that idiot is our idiot, much to our embarrassment.

We'll cover more fake news as it breaks - and you can be sure it will.

Breaking Fake News Update (v11)

 Fake News Broke on August 19, 2025!

This was fun fake news to cook up, for sure: toss in a little bit of DOGE (remember DOGE? Where are our DOGE checks, by the way?), a teaspoon or so of crime (who doesn't love to talk about crime?), a cup or two of election fraud (every MAGA Republican has lived through a fraudulent election - just ask one), a heaping tablespoon of a geriatric Democratic demon, a dash of American warfighters (!!!), and a pinch of accounting, and you've got a blue-ribbon recipe, for sure!

And yes, FOTUS did say when *he* votes, he gets asked for his license plate - that part is not a figment of my imagination.

As always, when fake news is breaking, we'll be shaking things up and keeping you informed.

Breaking Fake News Update (v10)

 Fake News Broke on August 17, 2025!

This news broke after what looked to be a 'summit about nothing,' when Vladimir Putin and FOTUS appeared after their shortened meetings at what was thought to be a press conference, but turned out to be the two of them talking about how they didn't accomplish anything and how much of nothing was accomplished (and maybe they'll meet in Moscow next time, said the English-speaking dictator!). 

After the summit, it was announced that Volodymyr Zelenskyy, Ukraine's president, would be returning to the Goldoval Office to meet with FOTUS. We soon learned several European leaders would be joining him, in a show of solidarity after the American dropped his demand for a ceasefire in the war, something he had long said was necessary. 

It was also a show of solidarity after the Ukrainian's last meeting deteriorated when the children in the room took control. FOTUS barked about who was holding the cards, JD Vance demanded to know why Zelenskyy had never said 'thank you' to his boss (a man he said could be America's Hitler), and a moronic reporter chastised him for not wearing a suit. 

Well, he came prepared this time, Zelenskyy did. He showed them! He had the suit, he had the cards, and he gave FOTUS a medal - that's a foreign policy trifecta right there!

There'll be more fake news, and we'll have it for you. 

Breaking Fake News Update (v9)

 Fake News Broke on August 15, 2025!

This fake news came after the Alaska (or was it Russia?) summit, where FOTUS met with his idol, Vladimir Putin. He stood on the red carpet, grinning and clapping like a schoolgirl at a Hanson concert as Putin walked towards him (MMMbop). 

Like most world leaders, Putin understands that flattery will get him everywhere; like us, I'm sure he's seen others traipse to the once-dignified Oval Office, bringing copies of the letters to the Nobel Prize guys, hoping to curry favor on tariffs, or to get oodles of US dollars for housing "the worst of the worst" undocumented farmworkers and Chinese restuarant owners who are ruining America. 

Anyway, this one pretty much wrote itself.  And we'll continue to share fake news as it happens. 

Breaking Fake News Update (v8)

Fake News Broke on August 13, 2025!  

This fake news stemmed from an Executive Order titled 'Restoring Truth and Sanity to American History,' which targeted not only the Smithsonian Institution's museums and education centers, but also the National Zoo, which was a curious addition, I thought. VP JD Vance was tasked with leading the charge on this, um, critically important initiative.

This month, the reviews were to begin in earnest, to make sure exhibits were aligned with the FOTUS vision of our history. Eight of the Smithsonian's museums were targeted for the first phase of review, including the American Indian Museum. It was a short hop to find a way to present this particular bad period of our history in a more Trumpian light.

We'll continue to present fake news as it breaks. 

Breaking Fake News Update (v7)

Fake News Broke on August 12, 2025! 

This fake news broke as FOTUS made a deal - a great deal, he's the greatest deal maker in the history of deals, after all - without any announced plans of where the money will go or how it will be used. This follows a similar deal where "he" says he controls a 'golden share' of US Steel, as part of the company's sale to Japan's Nippon Steel. 

And of course, it allows for some Mamdani fun, as FOTUS is greatly disturbed by New Yorkers rejecting Andrew Cuomo. You remember him, right? The COVID-era nursing home scandal, the sexual harassment scandal, and the biggest scandal of all, the Mario Cuomo Bridge?  While Cuomo and FOTUS have butted heads over the years, the devil you know is better than the one you don't, or something like that.

The full weight of the weaponizers in the administration will be brought down on Mandami - DOJ, Homeland Security, and more - including a potential citizenship revocation. That last part? That's not my fake news, that's the real deal, they say. This is one we'll keep an eye on, the Democrats will keep an eye on, the MAGAs will keep an eye on - and you should, too.

We will post more fake news as it breaks.

Breaking Fake News Update (v6)

Fake News Broke (Again) on August 11, 2025! 

This fake news broke as FOTUS's efforts to gain more control over the House of His Personal Representatives struggled in Texas as pesky Democrats left the Lone-Star-reviewed state and headed north to blue states to avoid having to participate in the mid-cycle redistricting shenanigans. This one pretty much wrote itself.

The Dems eventually returned to Austin, where they had to get permission (and a police escort) to leave the legislative chamber, for God's sake, and voted against the power grab. Needless to say, the MAGA Republicans had their way, the maps were approved, and Gov. Gregg Abbott signed the bill. 

We will continue to share fake news as it breaks.

Breaking Fake News Update (v5)

   Fake News Broke on August 11, 2025!

This news broke as preparations for the Alaska (or is it Russia?) summit with Vladimir Putin were being fleshed out. FOTUS was offering up ideas on how to end the war in his usual, um, straightforward manner, including possibly giving up some of America's riches buried in Alaska, or Ukraine's riches, without having discussed that with anyone before doing 'the weave.'  

At the same time, he was attacking two of his favorite women of color, both of whom live rent-free in his head, especially since they're from two of his favorite blue states. The combination made this silly post a piece of cake.

We will continue to share fake news as it breaks.  

Breaking Fake News Update (v4)

  Fake News Broke on August 10, 2025!

This news broke after FOTUS finally issued his long-promised new tariffs; some were negotiated, others were just directed via 'dear Country' letters. Tariffs as high as 125% were imposed on tea imports from China, and it was believed that tariffs would also apply to British tea imports, many of which previously fell below the 'de minimis' price. 

We don't produce a ton of tea - well, we probably produce more than a ton, but not a shit-ton, if you know what I mean - which made this ridiculous post about re-enacting the Boston Tea Party using homegrown tea as part of our 250th birthday celebration possible.

We will continue to share fake news as it breaks.

Breaking Fake News Update (v3)

 Fake News Broke on August 9, 2025!

This news broke as president Trump, aka FOTUS (Felon of the United States), was putting new tariffs on many countries - but not on Russia. It also came right before the summit in Alaska, or as FOTUS suggested at least three times, the summit in... Russia.

We'll cotinue to share fake news as it breaks.

Breaking Fake News Update (v2)

 Fake News Broke on August 8, 2025!

This news broke after MAGA Reps. Elise Stefanik and Nick Langworthy wrote a letter to Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney on August 6th, telling him to do something about the wildfires burning in his country and causing smoke issues for New Yorkers. The letter stated

The scale and severity of these fires continue to raise concerns about forest mismanagement and lack of effective deterrence of human-caused fire.

No word on Carney's response, but the fake news response was quick, and we're grateful to Rawanda for taking these two pesky representatives on with the next planeload of undocumented immigrants the US is shipping there.

We'll continue to share fake news as it breaks.

Breaking Fake News Update (v1)

Fake News broke on August 7, 2025!

This news came shortly after Comer subpoenaed Bill and Hillary Clinton, James Comey, Loretta Lynch, Eric Holder, Merrick Garland, Robert Mueller, William Barr, Jeff Sessions, and Alberto Gonzales in his "investigation" of the Epstein files. 

We will continue to share fake news as it breaks.