Highlights from the RNC: Night Four

If the carefully curated highlights from nights one, two and three of the RNC were not enough, here are more, from the fourth and final night, starting with House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy.

We will call on the bedrock of what makes us the greatest country in the world, the American promise. A promise that everyone is equal under God, under the Constitution, and under the law. A promise that government is accountable to we the people, a promise that if you work hard and play by the rules, your opportunities are endless. (Sorry - I snorted at the part about playing by the rules.)

Ja'Ron Smith.

In the wake of the murder of Ahmaud Arbery, George Floyd, and LeGend Taliferro, a moment of national racial consciousness. I have seen his true conscience. I just wish everyone could see the deep empathy he shows to families whose loved ones were killed in senseless violence. (Honestly, putting Ahmaud Arbery (murdered for jogging while black), George Floyd (murdered while being arrested while black) and LeGend Taliferro (a four-year old child senselessly murdered in a non-racially-motivated beef between LeGend's family and a man with whom his aunt had a relationship) is incredibly disingenuous and a blatant conflation of two vastly different issues, but hey, that's the way things work these days, right? Honestly, the only time we hear Republicans talking about 'senseless violence" is in the latter circumstance, when a person is caught up in something outside their control.

Jeff Van Drew.

There are a lot of Democrats who support our president and are disgusted for what their old party, what my old party, has become. Here’s my advice. Be true to who you are now, not who the Democrats used to be. That’s why I’m a proud Republican and why I will be voting for Donald Trump. (Equally, there are a lot of Republicans who support Joe Biden for exactly the same reason: they are disgusted for what their old party, Van Drew's new party, has become. That's very obvious, to anyone paying attention.)

Mitch McConnell.

Good evening. It’s an honor to come before you tonight from the Commonwealth of Kentucky. As the only leader in Washington not from either New York or California, I consider it my responsibility to look out for middle America. (That's why I refuse to allow any bills to come to the floor in the Senate unless I know for sure what the president wants. And if he doesn't tell me, I don't ask him.) This election is incredibly consequential for middle America. 

I’m immensely proud of the work the Republican Senate has done. (We refused to allow witnesses in the impeachment and made sure the president stayed in office so we can sit around waiting for him to tell us what to do, or for more judges to die.)  Like President Trump, we won’t be bullied by a liberal media intent on destroying America’s institutions. (We will instead be bullied by the president, and ignore the wishes even of you Republicans out there, who elected nearly 200 members of our party to serve you in the House).We will stand our post on behalf of the millions of Americans whose stories aren’t told in today’s newspapers, whose struggles are just as real. (Well, really, we'll sit on your stories, and drag them out at times like this, when it suits us. Other than that, we're just an ineffective part of a co-equal branch of government. You know what? I think that makes us 'flyover country' too!) 

Ivanka Trump.

Good evening. Before I begin, I want to send a special message to everyone who’s been affected by Hurricane Laura. Our hearts are with you. The President will continue to support you every step of the way. And just like Americans always do, the nation will come together to help you rebuild your homes, businesses and communities stronger and more resilient than ever before. (We do that by sending boatloads of our hard-earned tax dollars to people who live in hurricane zones, some of whom have benefited from that socialist transfer of money more than once...)

Over the last four years, we’ve learned a lot. (And now I'm going to repeat a lot of the same things you've heard all week, so this part's going to sound really repetitive and boring. And it is). I recognize that my dad’s communication style is not to everyone’s taste, and I know that his tweets can feel a bit unfiltered, but the results speak for themselves. (Ask any of the Asian-American medical professionals fighting the coronavirus who have been spit upon, followed, harassed, attacked in person and on social media, because of your unfiltered daddy's tweets about the Wuhan flu... that's some great results right there, don't you think?) He’s so unapologetic about his beliefs that he has caused me and countless Americans to take a hard look at our own convictions and ask ourselves, (How the hell did we elect a celebrity conman as president of the greatest country in the history of the world?)  What kind of America do we want to leave for our children, (one championed by a bully who lies through his teeth on a daily basis, brings out the worst in the worst of us, and has so lowered the bar that underground limbo is now a thing)?

I am more certain than ever before we want a future where our kids can believe in American greatness, we want a society where every child can live in a safe community and go to a great school of their choice (which we'll pay for in that great socialist method of taking money away from other people and giving it to, you know, people who home-school their children, among others), who want a culture where differences of opinion and debate are encouraged, not canceled, (except when it's my clothing line and daddy called for everyone to boycott Nordstrom when they dropped my clothing line, or when he called on all of those other American companies, including Macy' and Harley-Davidson and all of the media companies and oh, sports leagues and teams, and professional athletes and all the rest) where law enforcement is respected, where our country’s rich diversity is celebrated (as long as the diverse people are registered Republicans, otherwise there's no need to even talk to them), and where people of all backgrounds, races, genders, and creeds have the chance to achieve their God given potential (well, maybe not Catholics, or Mormons, or Muslims...). This is the future my father is working to build each and every day.

Building, after all, is what he’s done his whole life. He’s admired and befriended construction workers on countless job sites (and left them unpaid, broke from having to sue him for payment, and stuff) ...

(And now I'm going to talk about how I'm governmenting, sitting in on briefings and, along with my dad, taking credit for things like trade deals and tax cuts.) ...

I watched him take the strongest, most inclusive economy in a lifetime, the lowest unemployment in a half century, and the highest wage increase for working families in decades, and closed it down to save American lives. (It is unlikely that any of his supporters will admit he did that; rarely does a day go by without a meme suggesting that it was the governors who shut down the country, not the president. So silly!) It is why our President rapidly mobilize the full force of government (and the full force of my beloved Jared, whom the president went to, to have him go around the full force of the government) and the private sector to produce ventilators within weeks, to build the most robust testing system in the world (I snorted again), and to develop safe and effective treatments, and very, very soon a vaccine...  He believes that nothing is beyond our reach, and that the best is yet to come (thankfully, she didn't Guilfoyle that last part).

I have seen all of my life, how my dad believes in the potential of each individual. (He has yet to apologize for calling for the death penalty for the Central Park Five - perhaps he's forgotten about them, and his full-page ad in the NY papers?) Earlier this evening, we were all inspired by the incredible testimony of Alice Johnson, a great grandmother who was sentenced to life in prison for a first-time nonviolent drug offense. I was with my father when he decided to commute Alice’s life sentence. (Because whenever anything important - anything at all - happens in our government, I'm right next to my Daddy) ...

... And we’re just getting started (me, and my daddy). My father did not campaign on this issue. He tackled this injustice because he has a deep compassion for those who have been treated unfairly. More than rhetoric and political pros, the ability to build consensus and achieve bipartisan success will help heal our country’s racial inequities, and bring us forward together. (Perhaps one way he might thing of building consensus would be to, you know, actually talk to Democrats, rather than demonizing them, calling them names, and oh - never inviting them to bill signings - you know, bills that were approved by the Democrat-led House of Representatives, not just the do-nothing Senate? Maybe you could whisper that in his ear the next time you're sitting next to him in the Oval?)

President Trump (I keep trying not to say "my father" so often, like Eric and Tiffany did, but it's so hard!) is advancing the American values of work and family. Four years ago in Cleveland, I said president Trump would deliver for working women. Last year, over 70% of all new jobs were secured by women. Four years ago, I told you my father would focus on making childcare affordable and accessible. In president Trump’s first term, we secured the largest ever increase for childcare funding, giving more than 800,000 low income families great childcare at a cost they can afford. As part of Republican tax cuts, in 2019 alone, our child tax credit put over $2,000 into the pockets of 40 million American families. (socialism at its best - sheesh, if you can't afford to have kids, why are you having them??) Democrat politicians recently introduced a plan to increase the child tax credit. Yet when I was fighting less than three years ago at the president’s direction to get Congress to double the child tax credit (Me, dammit - not anyone else, ME!), not a single Democrat voted to pass the law. We got it done anyway. Four years ago, I promised that president Trump would support mothers in the workforce. In his first year in office, he signed into law the first ever national paid leave tax credit. Today, eight million more Americans have access to this benefit. (You do realize, don't you, that just about everything your father has done involves bribing someone - and by someone, I mean corporations - to act like a patriotic American?)

Four years ago, I said that Americans needed an economy that permits people to rise again. During president Trump’s first three years in office, 72% of all new jobs went to Americans who had been outside of the workforce. Four years ago, I told you I would fight alongside my father, and four years later here I am. (Hey! Look at me! I'm governmenting, just like my daddy!) Many of the issues my father has championed are not historically Republican priorities, (in fact, they are not remotely Republican ideas, and still, they all support me, er I mean they all support him - a RINO - because they're scared to death of him) yet where Washington chooses sides, our president chooses common sense... Recently, he took dramatic action to cut the cost of prescription drugs, despite fielding angry calls from the CEOs of nearly every major pharmaceutical company. Now, when we see attack ads paid for by Big Pharma, my dad smiles and says to me,” You know we’re doing something really right if they’re hitting us so hard.” (And of course, rather than working with the folks who were elected to do the people's business, he's signing tons of executive orders, and Sharpie actions, including on the drug pricing issue - some of which may never actually come to fruition. In fact, in less than one full term, your father has signed 182 executive orders, compared to 146 in Barack Obama's first term; and, in the full spirit of winning, daddy's total is nearly 2/3 the number Obama signed in two full terms. Were you sitting next to him when he said he wasn't going to do them that often?)

This spring, our president saw that American crops were going to waste because food supply chains were disrupted by the virus. He directed Secretary Perdue and me (me!) to find a way to get this nutritious food, fresh fruit, vegetables, meat and dairy to families most in need. Within a matter of days, we launched the Farmers to Family Food Box Program, which has now delivered over a hundred million meals into the hands of American families. To protect the most vulnerable among us, I’ve worked alongside the president as he signed into law nine pieces of legislation to combat the evil of human trafficking. I’ve stood by my father’s side at Dover Air Force Base as he’s received our fallen heroes, and each time it has steeled his resolve to finally stop, finally stop the endless foreign wars. (I've been learning at my egomaniac father's knee for so long, I'm almost as good at talking about myself and my accomplishments as I am at talking about his accomplishments, aren't I?)

To change the paradigm in the Middle East, he took a fresh approach. I heard foreign leaders beg him (not to abandon them, our allies, and cave to the evangelicals on Israel, while the Israeli president is under indictment for corruption) not to move the American embassy to Jerusalem, yet he delivered on a promise, also made and unfulfilled by past presidents because my father knew that it was the right thing to do... Dad, people attack you for being unconventional, but I love you for being real, and I respect you for being effective. (Eric, THAT's how you tell daddy you love him!)

...Washington has not changed Donald Trump. Donald Trump has changed Washington. America doesn’t need another empty vessel who will do whatever the media and the fringe of his party demands. (LOLOLOLOL! Without the Tea Party - the fringiest of all fringes, you and your Daddy wouldn't be here - he'd be bankrupting companies- his and other people's, robbing charities, and whatnot -- and you? You'd be cashing in on all of those China trademarks you got in 2018 and in 2019). Now more than ever, America needs four more years of a warrior in the White House. Tonight, I could not be more proud to introduce my father, a man I know was made for this moment in history. My fellow Americans, our First Lady and the 45th president of the United States, Donald J. Trump.

Coming up in tonight's TGIF? The full nomination acceptance speeches of Mike Pence and Ivanka's daddy.