December 4, 2014

How to Obtain an Indictment

How to indict a ham sandwich:

(1) Make a ham sandwich:

  • Take two slices of any kind of bread.
  • Spread one side of one of the pieces of bread with butter.
  • Spread one side of the other piece of bread with your favorite mustard.
  • Place a mess of ham on the buttered side of the one piece of bread
  • Place some cheese on top of the ham.
  • Place the other piece of bread, mustard side down, on the cheese.
  • Slice the sandwich in half; stick a toothpick in each half of the sandwich. 
  • Put the sandwich on a plate.

(2) Hand the plate with the ham sandwich to a New York District Attorney.

(3) Have the DA present the ham sandwich to a grand jury.

(4) Receive indictment.

How to indict a New York City police officer for jumping a suspect from behind, putting him in an illegal choke hold, literally riding the suspect to the ground without relaxing the choke hold, continuing (along with several other officers) to hold the suspect, at times by pressing the side of his face into a Staten Island sidewalk, and ignoring the suspect's repeated pleas that he was unable to breathe:

Anyone have the recipe for this?

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