The Trump Years, in Movies

I stumbled upon an old article  - from 2018 - about a bunch of movies that long-time movie critic Roger Ebert really didn't like. Um, let me rephrase that - movies that he hated.  Per the article

When Roger Ebert hated a film, he didn't mince words. Here are 50 movies the Pulitzer Prize-winning writer absolutely loathed (including a couple of surprises that you might very well love), along with with his dry assessments of their value (or lack thereof). 

Glancing through the clips, I was amused by how many of them were applicable to the four years of the Trump administration, with only some minor tweaks.  Below are my reviews, using Ebert's words for the most part, and actual movie titles, adapted to fit the last four years. 

For example, consider  The Usual Suspects. In Trumpworld, that would be Kushner, and Pompeo, and Pence, and Kudlow, and Navarro, and of course Donny Jr, and many others. Here's the review, with my italicized changes:

Once again, my comprehension began to slip, and finally I wrote down: 'To the degree that I do understand, I don't care.' It was, however, somewhat reassuring at the end of his term to discover that I had, after all, understood everything I was intended to understand. It was just that there was less to understand than the administration at first suggests.

Or, for example, consider Fast Times at Pennsylvania Ave. (2019-2020)

The whole presidency is a failure of taste, tone, and nerve - the waste of a mediocre cast on erratic, offensive material that hasn't been thought through, or maybe even thought about.

How fitting is that, considering the many ill-fated Executive Orders, the government shutdown, the immigration debacles, and more? 

In an administration that was constantly threatening that we were on the brink of Armageddon (2017, 2018, 2019, 2020) if we didn't listen to and follow our feckless leader no matter what, and where the communications team was constantly in a state of flux, confusion, and complicity, this review was definitely earned.

The Trump presidency is an assault on the eyes, the ears, the brain, common sense, and the human desire to be understood... Trump reportedly used the services of dozens of writers, yes-men, and press secretaries. Why did he need any? His dialogue is either character-limited tweets or self-serving drivel. 'Winning' is used so many times, I wonder if every single writer used it a few dozen times and then sat back from his smartphone with a contented smile on his face, another day's work done.

And then there's Donny Boy (2017).

No one is funny in Donny Boy. There are no memorable lines. None of the characters is interesting, except for the enigmatic figure played by Omarosa Manigault, who seems to have wandered over from The Celebrity Apprentice. Judging by the evidence on the screen, the presidency got a green light before a useable platform had been prepared, with everybody reassuring themselves that since they were such talented people, inspiration would overcome them.

Watching Trump Got Elected (2016) was painful, for sure. 

This movie doesn't scrape the bottom of the barrel. This moving isn't the bottom of the barrel. This moving isn't below the bottom of the barrel. This movie doesn't deserve to be mentioned in the same sentence with barrels.

The president often told us how he hired only the best people, and one of them would have to be his son-in-law, about whom the movie Jared (2017) was made.

The story might perhaps be adequate for an animated film for children, with Jared, MBS and the others played by piglets. In the arena of movies about nepotism, it is a desolate vastation. Nothing exiting happens, nothing of interest is said, and the special wardrobes evoke not a place or time, but, simply wardrobes.

And it would be hard to talk about the Trump administration without mentioning our great First Lady Melania, who starred in 2017's Exit from Manhattan.

I'm sorry, but I just don't get Melania Trump. I've seen her in three or four movies now, and she generally has the same effect on me as fingernails on a blackboard. She's harsh and abrupt and staccato and doesn't seem to be having any fun. She looks mean...  What were your first thoughts when Melania turned up in the leather dominatrix uniform? Did you maybe have slight misgivings that you were presiding over one of the more misguided film projects of recent years?

One of the more, um, interesting characters of the last four years has to be the senior senator from South Carolina, who is the title character in Lindsey Graham, What a Ham.

Graham makes a living prostituting himself. How much he charges, I'm not sure, but the price is worth it if it keeps him off the streets and out of another movie. Lindsey Graham is aggressively bad, as if it wants to cause suffering to the audience... Speaking in my official capacity as a Pulitzer Prize winner, Mr. Graham, your career sucks.

Another incredibly dull character from the Trump years? Ivanka "If she wasn't my daughter I'd be dating her" Trump, another of the unelected bureaucrats doing their darnedest to destroy our hearts and souls. She was the star of her own full-length feature, She's Out of Control (2019).

What planet did the makers of this film come from? What assumptions do they have about the purpose and quality of life? I ask because She's Out of Control is simultaneously so bizarre and so banal that it's a first: the first movie fabricated entirely from sitcom clichés and plastic lifestyles, without reference to any known plane of reality.

Sadly, there were two particularly unfortunate career sacrifices during the early years of the Trump administration. Potentially irreparable harm was done not when the Old Generals (2018) announced they were leaving the administration, but rather when they each joined it.  

Old Generals is stupefyingly dimwitted. What were Mattis and Kelly thinking of? Apparently their agents weren't perceptive enough to smell the screenplay in it's advanced state of decomposition, but wasn't there a loyal intern in the office to catch them at the elevator and whisper, 'you've paid too many dues to get involved with such crap at this stage in your careers'?

Holidays are always important at the White House, and the Trump years were no different. Well, actually, they were kind of different. The First Lady was not fond of the decorating, we learned.  And so it seemed that Christmas with the Trumps was destined to take harsh criticism. 

It's a holiday movie of stunning awfulness that gets even worse when it turns gooey at the end. And what is it finally so happy about? Why, that the Trumps succeed in enforcing their lockstep conformity upon their colleagues? They form a herd mentality, without the mentality. The movie is not funny, ever, in any way, beginning to end.

Some of the decorations were downright scary, too. 

And then, there's the bio-pic, The Apprentice President, in which Trump is the writer, director, producer, key grip, set designer, costume designer, props manager, makeup artist, editor, sound engineer, location manager, gaffer, best boy, caterer, florist, art director, stunt coordinator, stable genius, and more.

Trump's whole presence in this movie is offensively narcissistic. His speeches are melodramatic, interchangeable, self-aggrandizing groans and anguished shouts, backed protectively by patriotic symbols and cloying sycophants. His dramatic presence also looks over-protected, as if nobody was willing to risk offending him by asking him to seem involved, caring and engaged. Trump plays the whole movie looking at people's third shirt buttons, as if he can't be bothered to meet their eyes and relate with them. It's strange about the Trump performance. It's not just that he can't govern.  It's that he sends out creepy vibes. He seems self-absorbed, closed off, grandiose, out of touch with his immediate surroundings.

And finally, as our long national nightmare draws to a close, we close out the critical acclaim with one last look at the Trump years, via the movie 45.  

I hated this movie. Hated hated hated hated hated hated this movie. Hated it. Hated every simpering stupid vacant audience-insulting moment of it. Hated the sensibility that thought anyone would like it. Hated the implied insult to the audience by its believe that anyone would be entertained by it.

That's funny. So did I.  So did I.