Preparing for the SOTU

Tomorrow we'll hear from the president for the first time in a State of the Union (SOTU) address.

This will be a new experience for the president and it may be a new experience for some viewers - for example, those folks who wouldn't have been caught dead watching an Obama SOTU. With that in mind, I thought I'd provide some helpful hints for the newbies.

• There's going to be a lot of yelling and hooting and hollering, but it's nothing to be concerned about. It will sound weird, for sure, but just think of it as a bunch of bad cheerleaders doing separate but equal versions of their college stadium cheers, and you'll be OK. 

• While some will be yelling, others will be sitting, sullenly, waiting for the noise to fade so the president can get back to the speech. You'll know these people as Democrats by their hissing dark demeanor and dark clothes.

• The First Lady will be sitting with a bunch of people the president thinks are helpful to his message. You can count on a heart-tugging story about a veteran or veteran's family; there'll almost certainly be some people victimized by gangs; there'll be a hard-working middle-class guy, usually a tradesman of some kind, and/or a small businessman or two. These are standard categories of guests, so don't think it's something new and different this time around. This president is merely following the script.

• Speaking of the First Lady, she'll be cheered by the people of the president's party; pitied by the people of the opposition party ("how hard it must be for her to be married to him..."), and fawned over by the press. 

• In the case of this First Lady, she'll likely be accompanied by the children of her husband, but not her own child, because, at least so far, she's been pretty successful in keeping him out of the mix. You should all hope that continues, for his sake - and hers. 

• At some point, it will look like the Speaker of the House and the Vice President are about to hug, maybe even kiss, they'll be so giddy about what the president is saying. I can assure you, without the slightest hesitation, that there will be no kissing between these two gentleman, and so there's no reason for you to avert your eyes. 

• I don't recall there ever being a televised playing of the national anthem during a SOTU - frankly, that would leave less time for the clapping and almost kissing - so you do not have to stand, and no one will yell at you if you take a knee. You can even leave your hat on; I won't tell.

• You can pretty much count on the president using several buzzwords during his speech; again, they all do this. Here are several you might anticipate: carnage, MS-13, crime, America First, drugs, rapists, murderers, infrastructure, obstruction, bipartisanship, tax cuts, ISIS, opioids, Ivanka, Supreme Court, FBI, collusion, Russia, Putin, North Korea, Jerusalem, religious freedom, military, the wall, immigration, racism, jobs, My Generals, DACA, middle class, and so on. Feel free to add others you'd like to hear. 

• Tradition has it that every time the president says one of the buzzwords, you are supposed to take a drink. That's why media coverage, especially on Fox, seems somewhat disjointed; it may even seem like the reporters were watching a different speech than you were. You can solve this by participating in the drinking game - it helps, it really does. 

• Kiefer Sutherland will not be attending the SOTU - as the Designated Survivor, he'll be left behind to save the world in the event of a national emergency. 

• This president has a habit of sniffing when he reads from a teleprompter; I believe it's an allergy or something. If you've only watched his rallies or followed him on the Twittery thing, you may not have experienced this before. Don't worry -- he's still your president, even if he sounds like one of those people who is causing our crime wave. 

• With any luck at all, he will keep his remarks short. I've never been lucky, but hey - you never know.

• After the president's remarks, a Democrat will give a speech that no one's expecting you to watch. Most of the networks don't usually cover the other party's response but this year they might, because the speech is going to be given by a Kennedy. It won't be anything you're interested in, but it might be fun to  see how it play out.

I hope you find this information helpful. If you have any questions while you're watching the speech, I believe the phone-a-friend lifeline will be turned on for the duration.