Dear Red States

I received the message below first thing Wednesday morning, with the results of Tuesday's election still being digested. While this version highlights New York as the center of the new universe, there are other versions on line, most with California as the leader of the revolution. I'd credit the author, but so far it seems to be an immaculate conception.  Enjoy.

Dear Red States:

We're ticked off at your Neanderthal attitudes and politics and we've decided we're leaving.

We in New York intend to form our own country and we're taking the other Blue States with us.

In case you aren't aware that includes California, Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and the rest of the Northeast.

We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation and especially to the people of the new country of The Enlightened States of America (E.S.A).

To sum up briefly:
You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states.

We get stem cell research and the best beaches.

We get Andrew Cuomo and Elizabeth Warren. You get Bobby Jindal and Todd Akin.

We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Opryland.

We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.

We get Harvard. You get Ole Miss.

We get 85% of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs.

You get Alabama.

We get two-thirds of the tax revenue. You get to make the red states pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms.

With the Blue States in hand we will have firm control of 80% of the country's fresh water, more than 90% of the pineapple and lettuce, 92% of the nation's fresh fruit, 95% of America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners) 90% of all cheese, 90% of the high tech industry, most of the US low sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools plus  Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.

With the Red States you will have to cope with 88% of all obese Americans and their projected health care costs, 92% of all US mosquitoes, nearly 100% of the tornadoes, 90% of the hurricanes, 99% of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100% of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.

We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

38% of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62% believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44% say that evolution is only a theory, 53% that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61% of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals than we lefties.

We're taking the good weed too. You can have that crap they grow in Mexico.

Sincerely,

Citizen of the Enlightened States of America

Ronald Reagan for President?

The other day I answered the phone to hear a recorded voice telling me Dick Morris had an important message for conservatives like me. I stayed on the line and listened to the former Clinton advisor-turned-hater babbling about his new book, about the scourge of the socialist Obama presidency, and about how loyal Conservatives like me can get involved in driving POTUS out of the White House in 2012. 

Now, if you know anything about me, you know I don't typically identify as a Conservative, much less a loyal one.  I was even more confused when a woman came on the phone and advised me she was in Washington DC and was calling local Conservatives with a one-question survey. I think her GPS needs some work.  

But the fun really began with the survey.  The question was "Which of the current Conservative leaders is the one you think is best suited to lead our party" and help save the world, secure our future -- you get the drift. I was kind of surprised that she didn't give me any names, especially since I'm not a loyal local Conservative and am not really up on all of them.  I laughed and asked who the choices were.  She replied "Well, here are some of the answers we're getting in the survey: Michele Bachmann, Chris Christie, Ronald Reagan, Sarah Palin, Herman Cain. ..." and named a few others I don't remember; she may even have mentioned Rush Limbaugh.

Excited that I had such great options, I responded emphatically "Ronald Reagan!" The woman answered, with a chuckle, "Yes, he seems to be a popular choice."  

A dead man is a popular choice to lead the Conservatives forward in their mission to take back America?  Really?  A dead man?  

I pointed out that it seemed that a dead man (even a dead former president) being a top mention as a 'leader' of the Conservative movement said either quite a bit about their message, quite a bit about loyal local Conservatives, or both. Mostly I think it says a lot about the state of affairs in America today. 

Either we're so cynical that we'll say anything (like me), or we really long for days gone by (Clinton, Bush I, Reagan but not a lot of Bush II), or political cold callers have a wicked sense of humor. I'm not sure which, but I'm hoping it's the latter.

After our discussion about bad choices on both the left and the right, the woman advised that Dick Morris was going to be paying for full page ads in local papers and was looking for Conservatives like me to have our names included in the ad as supporters, and would I be interested?  After letting her know she was talking to a life-long registered Democrat, we had one more laugh and wished each other a nice day.

A dead man?  Really?