Thoughts on Winning

I got a message from a friend today, offering up a way that our national post-election nightmare can end and America can win, Biden (the winner) can win, Mike Pence can win, and the president (the non-winner) can win. And how we can all be tired of all the winning because there'll just be so much of it, we don't be able to stand it anymore.

I have to say, initially I thought his idea was kind of whacky, but then, it started to grow on me. Like moss, on a stone that's not rolling, or something.  No, really, that's not fair - it's kind of an interesting idea. 

First and foremost, we know that the president hates to lose - at anything - and that his first thought - always, right before threatening or actually taking legal action - is to deny that he lost. 

We also know that he doesn't like anything President Obama did, and wants to beat President Obama no matter what. And we've seen, over the past several months, that President Obama doesn't seem to be interested in retiring from public life. And neither does AOC, it seems - and we know that the president doesn't like her and would love to beat her at something, almost as much as he wants to do stuff that Obama is not capable of doing. 

We also know the president is a student of history. I mean, he's told us over and over that he's the best ever at so many things - fighting terrorism, producing jobs, building, attracting crowds, not being racist, developing resorts, owning clubs,  making fragrances, writing 140-character sentences, and more. And he's definitely up there on the list of best presidents ever, maybe even the best president ever, certainly the best president since Abraham Lincoln, he's determined that with certainty. 

Given his best-ness, and his better-than-Obama-ness, and the wanting us to get tired of all the winning - you remember that, right, back in 2016 at a speech in Iowa?

We're going to win so much that you're going to get sick and tired, you're going to say, "Please, please Mr. president, we're sick and tired of winning Please let us have at least one loss. It's no longer exciting to win" and I'm going to say, "No way, we're going to keep winning and I don't care if you like it or not." We have to win.

Well, here's how everyone wins, as we have to, as we are destined to.

First: the president retires, before the end of his term. He doesn't quit - that's what a loser would do. He retires, at the top of his game, as a winner: the guy who defeated ISIS and the caliphate, Antifa and monument-busting protesters, the coronavirus and Communist China; the man who put his slippery leather shoes in the DMZ between the Koreas; the man with ambiguously legitimate Israeli housing units named after him; the man who gave us covfefe and Happy Meal celebrations; the man who gave Rush Limbaugh the Medal of Freedom. 

Second: upon the president's retirement, Mike Pence becomes the President-lame duck, #46, who will guide us through the rest of the counting of the illegal Democratic votes and the ignoring of all the perfectly legitimate Republican votes on the same ballot as the illegal Democratic ones. He's got just the right temperament, and an uncanny ability to talk at length and never answer any questions. And, he's a horrible Tweeter, which will be good for us he tries to heal the nation, right up until January 5, 2021 when people run around all over the state of Georgia trying not to be members of a minority, and then again until 11:59AM on January 21, 2021, at which point no one will ever hear of him again.

Third: Before riding off into the sunset, Pence #46 can offer pardons to everyone: #45, Mrs. #45 (those Christmas decorations. That Rose Garden, (ahem) renovation. That green jacket. #BeBest...), the children of #45, the girlfriends and spouses of the children (after all, the best is yet to come), the swamp monsters, and more. He could even pardon Hunter Biden's laptops, which would go a long way towards the healing and winning we need. And, instead of releasing the Kraken (hey - he could pardon Rudy Giuliani, too!), he could release the transition funds, which would allow for the peaceful transition of power that's supposed to be happening. 

And, finally: At noon on January 20, 2021, Joseph Robinette Biden, Jr. will become the oldest President ever. And then, shortly after that, Pamela Camela Carmella Kamala Harris will become the firstiest Vice President ever. The first woman, the first black, the first Indian American, the first Chucks-wearing, the first rain-dancing, and, probably, the coolest Vice President since Joseph Robinette Biden, Jr. jogged around the White House with Barack Obama.

It's a perfect plan, right? It plays to everyone's strengths, and it lets us get back on track with having someone run the country, not ruin it on their way out. 

Teddy Ballgame hit a home run, and retired. Eli's brother, Peyton 'Omaha!' Manning, won a Super Bowl and retired. Donald Trump, just 'won' the election, so he, too, should retire at the top of his game.

Let us begin to get tired of the winning. We're ready.