August 23, 2015

My New Retirement Plan

So, everyone catch their breath from last week's stock market adventure?  And have you started thinking about alternative ways to fund your retirement?  I came up with an idea, and I'm seriously thinking of putting it into place.

I've done some very general calculations, and it seems I could have saved about $750 in the past week just by setting aside $1 every time someone - a news reporter, game show host, talk show host, radio show caller, or entertainment reporter used the word Trump.  As in His Hairness, The Donald, the (I can't believe I'm typing this out loud) GOP front-runner. If I add in tweets and Facebook posts, the amount I could save is limited only by my income.

One dollar for every time someone called him a bloviating fill-in-the-blank. One dollar each time someone mentioned his flyover in Alabama (the real reason they moved that rally to an outdoor stadium, we all know). One dollar everyone talked about his baseball caps. A crisp single each time his hair came up in conversation. A silver dollar each time his lack of presidential quality was referenced. One hundred pennies for each mention of his ten billion dollar (and growing!) net worth. Of his giving helicopter rides to the future voters of Iowa. For each mention of nobody-builds-a-wall-better-than-me. Each insult he throws, duly reported, means another dollar in the kitty.

And because I'm paying myself here, I could save $5 each time someone actually treated him like a presidential candidate. You know, someone looking critically at his immigration proposal and how much it would cost to implement and how much money the country would lose if it came to fruition. Or pressed him on foreign policy. Or on education. Or on safety net programs. Job creation (he's going to be the greatest jobs president on gods green earth, he told us. But not how). Terrorism. Military spending. Infrastructure. Environmental issues.  Cha-ching!

I can even up the ante a little bit more.  Each time one of the other Republican candidates is mentioned, without including Trump's name in the same story, I'll put $10 in the kitty.

Lord, this is becoming addicting.  I can do the same on the Democrats side.  A mention of Hillary Clinton that doesn't include anything related to the emails? One dollar. An actual story about Bernie Sanders, not just about how he's training Hillary in the polls or drawing big crowds? $5. Talk about Bernie's positions, and Hillary's? That ought to be worth $10 right?  Mention Martin O'Malley and I'll throw in $20! And $50 for Lincoln Chafee!

Woo hoo! Look at me! Good lord, I'm saving money, Left and Right!  Yowser! Screw the stock market! What a country! I'll be rich, rich like Richie Rich! Even richer, I'll be rich like Trump! (There's another dollar right there!)

Oh, wait. I sound a little like Howard Dean don't I?

Sorry. Got carried away there for a minute.