Yes, I'd Be Happy To Serve You

But first, can I ask you a few questions?

1. Are you single or married?
2. If you're single, why aren't you married? 
3. If you're married, are you married to a man or a woman? Are you of the same race or different races?
4. If you're not married, please describe your living arrangements. Do you live alone? With a roommate? A friend? A friend with benefits? Life partner? Other? Is the roommate/friend/friend with benefits/life partner a man or a woman? If Other, please describe.
5. Do you have any children? If yes, how many and what are their ages? If you do not have any children, why not?
6. Are you employed? If yes, please provide verification of employment. If not employed, what do you do all day? 
7. Have you ever had sexual intercourse for non-procreative purposes? Please describe.
8. Did you vote in the last election? Do you typically vote Republican? Democratic?
9. Are you currently wearing makeup?  If yes, why? 
10. Have you ever had a surgical procedure? Was the procedure elective? Was the procedure cosmetic?
11. Do you believe in vaccinating children?
12. Please describe your views on abortion. In detail. Include specifics about vaginal ultrasound procedures, how long the grass can be at an abortion clinic, parental notification, how high a bounty should be offered to people who identify women seeking an abortion after a specific time period has passed since her last period, the number of abortionists that can be allowed within a 100-square mile area, the number of protesters that can be allowed within six inches of a prospective abortion patient, how many visits a prospective abortion patient must have before having the procedure, and so on. Leave no stone unturned on this one.
13. Do you believe that infertility treatment is medically necessary? How about erectile dysfunction drugs? Do you believe in contraception?
14. Do you believe the government has the right to order parents or guardians to obtain medical treatment in any circumstance? If yes, please describe.
15. Do you believe that the government can order a patient to be placed on artificial life support, for any reason, against the expressed wishes of the patient and/or the patient's family?
16. Do you believe that the government can order artificial life support to be removed from a brain-dead patient, against the expressed wishes of the patient/patient's family, for any reason, under any circumstances?
17. Do you believe the government can prevent parents from getting medical treatment for their children?
18. Do you own any guns? How many? What kind? For how long? Have you had a background check? If yes, when? Do you have a concealed carry permit?  Are you carrying now? Have you ever fired your gun? If yes, when? What training did you receive on how to use your weapon? When was the training? Who provided it?
19. When was the last time you attended worship services? Where? Describe your religion in 140 characters or less.
20. If your faith includes confession, what was the last sin you confessed, and when?
21. Have you ever received food stamps, welfare, housing assistance, childcare assistance, energy assistance, Medicaid, or any other unearned governmental benefit? Please explain. 
22. Do you believe that women are subservient to men? Explain.
23. Do you believe the government should subsidize faith-based schools directly or through tax credits to parents of children attending the schools? If yes, at what grade level would this be appropriate?
24. Do you believe that only a creche and a Christmas tree should be displayed on government property, and that Christmas is the only legitimate holiday celebrated in December?
25. Do you believe in the spiritual benefits of psychotropic drugs such as marijuana, peyote, psilocybin, and related substances? Have you ever used any such drug for spiritual or other purposes? Explain. 
26. Do you believe in capital punishment? If yes, under what circumstances? If not, why not?

Please feel free to browse the store while I review your responses. Assuming all goes well,  I should be right with you. Oh wait, you have some questions for me before you decide if you want to do business with me?  Well, I guess that would be OK...

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I'm not trying to make a mockery of anyone's religion or deeply held beliefs; I'm making a mockery of government-supported discrimination.  I'm making a mockery of laws like SB 1062 in Arizona, which is pending a signature or a veto from Governor Jan Brewer. I'm making a mockery of politicians like Steve Pierce, who voted for the bill before calling for a veto or repeal, because, like so many Republicans who denounce equality, he noted

I have friends that are gay, and I wouldn't do anything to hurt them.

This bill and others like it are being tagged with the rainbow flag, but they would allow anyone to discriminate against anyone else for any reason they could describe as a deeply held religious belief.  Wiccans could discriminate against Jews who could discriminate against Catholics who could discriminate against Baptists who could discriminate against Mormons who could discriminate against Christian Scientists who could discriminate against atheists who could discriminate against Lutherans who could discriminate against deists, any of who could discriminate against me for living in sin with My Sweet Baboo, if they so chose, or against him for being divorced, if they so chose, or for whatever reason they chose.

This fight is not about gays; it's about PEOPLE.

It's about not making laws that say it's OK to discriminate against people, whether they're in a protected class or not.

It's about remembering that we had government-sanctioned discrimination before we had protected classes.

It's about remembering that those days were not our brightest, shiniest moments.

It's about not going backward in the name of freedom.