May 6, 2013

All Our Problems Solved (in One Post)

Politicians make things so much harder than they need to be.

Instead of spending so much time flying back and forth between Washington and their home districts, they should spend more time on Facebook, Twitter, and YouTube. If they did, they'd have answers to all of our problems.

I mean, check this out.  In only a few minutes, I was able to sketch out the plan below, using information I've seen passed around on the web. Of course, I had to use a little creative thinking to get it all pulled together. But it was really quite easy to go from what's out there to what's in here.

Watch me solve all of our problems, including unemployment; welfare and disability cheating; illegal immigration; money-sucking retired teachers, cops and firefighters; our lousy educational system; increased revenue and lower taxes; and gun control, in one fell swoop:

First, take all of the unemployed government workers (including the union members who destroyed our country) that are now sucking the life out of us on unemployment, and get them whipped back into shape.  After they are re-energized, they will be responsible for rounding up anyone receiving any welfare-type benefit including subsidized housing, WIC, food stamps, Medicaid, or similar benefit.

The former government workers go out and round up everyone on welfare, and we immediately confiscate the all of the creature comforts those scumbags got with our tax dollars. Cars, smart phones, clothes, gold jewelry, gold teeth, guns. giant TVs -- the whole nine. Take the steak and lobster right out of their refrigerators, dammit!

Everyone rounded up will undergo a physical and mental health exam to determine any limitation to them working. If they truly can't work, they get put on disability.

Those with no limitations other than laziness go to a medium security 'shock camp', (high walls and razor wire required) with a bunch of crazy retired military drill sergeants running the show, who will teach the deadbeats the skills they need so they can to work. You know, things like how to get up on time each morning; do simple chores; how to listen to and respect authority; how to dress like a normal human being; and how to speak basic English. They will take daily drug tests too. This will help grow medical labs and makers of little plastic cups, which will then become vital businesses for our growing global economy. 

The growth in privately owned and operated medium-security shock camps (for a second there, I almost said 'prisons') will also be good for our growing global economy.  It may put some government prisons out of business, but that's also good, because we want smaller, non-unionized government and lower taxes. It will also cut hundreds and hundreds of pages of now unnecessary federal and state regulations, because we don't need the government sticking their nose in our private businesses or making it harder for businesses to be successful.

The welfare women will be sterilized and the men vasectomized, so there's no chance for them to have more babies to get more benefits. This growth in anti-reproductive procedures is good for our gynecologists and surgeons, and our medical records business, and it will wipe out the need for abortion and those complicated vaginal ultrasound procedures that are so costly to administer. The intrusive ultrasound business will take a hit, but that's OK. I'm sure there's other stuff for them to probe buried somewhere in the 3,000,000 regulations that are included in President Obama's health care reform legislation.

The benefits these lazy bastards were getting will now go directly to the shock camp folks, for administrative costs including feeding everyone three square meals of nutritious grains, vegetables, and fruit each day. No soda allowed. No fried food allowed. No candy allowed. No cable TV, alcohol, tobacco, firearms or lottery tickets allowed. Certainly no drugs for Low-T, which if used could make people aggressive. We don't want aggressive, we just want people who know how to get out of bed and go to work.

If the welfare folks have kids, we'll put them to work doing age-appropriate tasks. These kids won't go to school, won't get anything other than skills training, because formal schooling is only allowed for the children of tax-paying people.

We'll need a boatload of accountants and investigators to keep track of all the government money flowing into the new growth businesses, so we'll be able to re-employ all of the skilled, over-50 workers who can't find jobs, and make them productive again. Which will raise revenue; and when that happens, we can lower taxes for the rich people, like the prison owners and the little plastic cup makers, and that will also be good for our economy and our American psyche. 

Next, we need to round up everyone collecting disability; they'll have a physical to find out of there's any kind of work they can do. If they are able to work they go to the shock camp for daily training up to their capacity. For example, 50% disabled, then 50% of their time is in the shock camp. The rest of time, and 100% of the time for those who are totally disabled, they spend in specially designed group homes. These folks will also take a daily drug test, get three square welfare-style meals a day, and only have amenities (cable, alcohol, tobacco, firearms, lottery tickets, fried food, soda, candy and sex) available equal to their percentage of non-disability. Benefit payments continue, but they all go to the group home.

The group home industry now becomes a large and growing part of our new global economy. They'll need some low-paid employees to do menial tasks, of course, but more than that they'll need team leaders and counselors and therapists and stuff like that. There are thousands of new college grads living in basements all across the country, most with tens of thousands of dollars of debt who would probably jump at the chance to work at one of these homes. I'm thinking especially those with worthless liberal arts or education degrees. So, not only do we get control of the disabled, but we put all those snot-nosed college brats to work, and get them paying taxes and paying off their debt to the rest of us. 

Now, we need to take all of the retired police officers and firefighters, who usually start grabbing their taxpayer-funded pensions around the ripe old age of 45, get them off their lazy asses and have them go out and round up all of the people who look like immigrants.  Well, not all immigrants, just the ones who look Muslim or Hispanic. 

(No need to worry about the Asians, Indians, or Pakistanis, as they're all smarter than the rest of immigrants, and we need them to become doctors, engineers, etc. because regular Americans aren't smart enough because our education system sucks. And we also need the nail salons, Chinese restaurants, Arab corner markets and cheap hotels, Chinese laundries and so on which are run by the second-tier Asian, Indian and Pakistanis. They're not smart enough to become doctors and engineers, but they're really industrious running small businesses. And we all know now that small businesses are the backbone of our new global economy.)

After we round up everyone who's not like us, who doesn't make us look nice, or who doesn't sell us Big Gulps, we send the welfare and partially disabled out into the workforce, replacing the immigrants. Planting and picking food. Cleaning bathrooms at state fairs, office buildings, and hotels. Gardening and landscaping. Washing dishes. Working in laundries. Being day laborers.  Yes, the invisible jobs that were done by invisible people will now be done by our welfare scumbags and disability cheaters. Which is as it should be. And, all the trouble employers used to have to go through to make sure they were not employing illegals will be a thing of the past, because low-life Americans will be doing those jobs.  And once that happens, we slowly wean them off their welfare benefits. Say, in 24 hours or so.  That seems fair, right? We stop paying, and they start paying!

So all Muslims and Hispanic looking folks we rounded up, we put them into the shock camp, where they will wander along the path to citizenship for years and years.  And where did that path to citizenship come from, you ask?  We had the welfare people build it when they were in the shock camps.  Pretty neat, huh?

And when the Muslims and Hispanics write home to family -- we will make them do that, in between drug tests and Bible-reading-- they'll be able to tell everyone that they're on the path to citizenship, but that it's a winding path inside prison walls with razor wire on top, and clearly that will discourage folks from coming here illegally (or otherwise).

We still have millions of retirees to deal with - the ones just sitting around collecting their pensions and Social Security. Since many of them are retired teachers, who sucked us dry when they were working their part-time jobs for full time pay and now they have these exorbitant pensions and benefits, we should put these folks to work teaching skills to the welfare kids (that's a great thing for the retired art teachers to do), or teaching basic English to folks in the shock camps. Simple things that will make them feel better, and keep their minds sharp.

OK, so who's left? Oh, that's right. The good immigrants, the smart immigrants. The ones who get those coveted American diplomas where we staple their green cards.

Once the good immigrants are officially doctors, engineers, scientists, etc. and have their green cards, they will be required to spend five hours a week administering the citizenship test to current US citizens - starting with federal politicians, then rich idiots like Donald Trump, then everyone in state elected office, then all of the local elected officials, then government appointees, then regular government workers, and then eventually the regular folks like minimum wage earners and bloggers.  This'll certainly separate the wheat from the chaff, don't you think?

The test is essential; we need to make sure that those of us who are already taking part in the American dream are actually qualified to receive our God-given rights to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. And gun ownership and abortion and free contraception and marriage between one man and one woman -- all of which fall in the LLATPOH buckets. And because of course, mandatory testing is a critical component of our new global economy. Just ask any school-aged child.

Those Americans who pass the test are free to continue on their merry way. And they get some of the spoils from the welfare round-up -- jewelry, cars, gold teeth, smart phones, guns, all that yummy steak and lobster, the large-screen TVs...

But if you fail the test, well, things are going to change for you really quick. Because the last thing we need is a bunch of idiots wandering around who think they know what America stands for, but who can't prove it. We need to keep America safe from those people.  We surely can't have them holding jobs and guns and Viagra and cigarettes and beers and Bibles and having sex with only one man and one woman for the purposes of procreating and furthering our American values. And voting, for cripes' sake. We sure as hell can't have them vote.

Since so many of the people who will fail the citizenship test come from families that have been here for generations, we can't send them back to their country of origin. Well, except the African-Americans. They can all go back to Africa. 

That larger population of white, non-Hispanic origin, the ones who have come up through the sucky American education system?  Well, since we can't send them back, off to the shock camps they go. 

See? All our problems solved.