April 17, 2011

Dirty Snowpile Awards: Buerkle, Obama, Kyl, Gingrich, & More

(Editor's note: this post from April 2011 has been updated to correct formatting issues.)

Today's lesson of Sunday School has been postponed so that we may bring you the following special presentation: the 2011 Dirty Snowpile Awards. The DSA were presented for the first time last year, and included a mostly New York State focus.  This year, snow was prevalent in many areas outside the Empire State, and where you have snow, you will always have dirty snow. Without further ado, the winners. 

The Rookie of the Year Dirty Snowpile, to Ann Marie Buerkle (R-Onondaga). A freshman member of the House, Buerkle won a closely-contested delayed decision last fall, and went to Washington representing a deeply-divided district. There’s no divide, however, in her allegiance to the Issas and Cantors and Boehners; in fact, she’s actually told us, her constituents, that what she thinks doesn’t matter – she’s there to do what she’s told by the House Leadership. Her (ahem) refreshing honesty the key reason she’s deserving of this award.

President Barack Obama (D-USA) gets the All Talk, Very Little Action Dirty Snowpile.  Doesn’t matter what the issue is, Obama talks a very good game – some of his speeches are both inspired, and inspiring – but they don’t generate the action needed to actually get things accomplished timely, or even at all.  He’s too willing to throw stuff  out there but not willing to roll up his sleeves and work to get things accomplished until the bitter end.  He’s too willing to let people slip and slide along in the icy streets, all the while talking about the need for snow to be removed from the sidewalks.  It’s time for him to pick up the shovel and throw the first pile of snow…and the second…and the third...

Jon Kyl (R- AZ) gets the 90% Dirty Snowpile. Senator Kyl is just one of the folks who has been mouthing off about Planned Parenthood supposedly spending federal tax dollars on abortions, which has been illegal for some 30-odd years and which no one has proven. He’s the who recently said that abortions represent something north of 90% of what Planned Parenthood does - when in fact, it’s about 3%.  But it’s OK – he didn't mean for the statement to be factual, and he only lies about things he cares about. Besides, the dirt on his snowpile is only skin deep; it's not like its really 90% dirty. 

Contract with America author and exploratory 2012 presidential candidate Newt Gingrich gets the It’s Not My Fault Dirty Snowpile, for his bad marital behavior. First, he admitted that he himself was having an affair at the same time he was engaged in impeaching Bill Clinton for, well, you know, Monica and stuff. And allegedly perjury, but really Monica. More famously, though, Newt has blamed his cheating on his patriotism. Seriously. Clearly this filthy snowpile simply could not be his fault. 

The 50/50 Dirty Snowpile goes to elected officials around the country – and you know who you are. With very few exceptions, 50% of the time, you can’t believe a word they say and the other 50% of the time, you know even they don’t believe a word they say. About the only ones in Washington who are spared this mountain of dirty snow are the Gang of Six, who are actively trying to come up with a budget plan that helps us move forward, without being beholding to the flavor-of-the-day special interests. 

For those outside of Washington who ran on one platform and began immediately doing something else, this snow’s for you.  For those of you in statehouses across the land, of both stripes, if you tell a lie about why you’re doing something, this snow’s for you.  For those of you at local levels across the country, who gerrymander districts, refuse to consider consolidation or other money-saving opportunities, take obscene salaries and benefits from taxpayers, obstruct progress, and pander to your base, this snow’s for you. Like I said, you know who you are. And so do we.

And a special award, the You’re So Vain, You Probably Think This Snowpile’s About You Dirty Snowpile, goes to Donald Trump.  The Donald, who’s flirting with a run for President, didn’t
even know where his polling place was a while back, and lies about President Obama's birth certificate and a few other hot topics even as he's doing well in the polls, but that's not why he's getting this award. 

It's because he's got the "number one show on NBC" (Celebrity Apprentice) and it would be "unfair" to announce a potential candidacy because they'd have to cancel the show. Honest.

So there you have it – the cream of the crop, this year’s Dirty Snowpile Award winners. There are likely a plow-ful of other likely candidates - who would you have chosen?

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